What we DON’T need…

With all of the focus on what we do need to correct the current geopolitical/economic crisis, it might be refreshing to review what we as a nation don’t need.

A momentary retrospective is in order: Our glorious collective comrades, our divinely inspired paragons of global intelligencia took control of both Houses of Congress in 2006. Our glorious leader, Barack Obama assumed his divine mantle and ascended to his inscrutable throne of power in January. In the brief nine months that he has proclaimed both the mandate from god and the citizens of United Socialists of America, he has achieved nothing short of miracles. The global war on terror has been officially declared over (I still am not sure who the winner is). We are currently engaged in resolving international man-made disasters and overseas contingencies. The “issue” with undocumented future US Citizens has been resolved. We are no longer enforcing those pesky immigration and border laws and officially will not remove any undocumented US Citizen regardless of the circumstances (including felony convictions). Our glorious leader has changed the hearts and minds of the entire global community; we are no longer hated by everyone (as we were under the evil Bush regime). Everyone is extending an olive branch to us – no one wants to smuggle NBC WMDs into our country and kill US citizens (except for maybe the 2 dozen or so evil, racist, kitten-hating conservatives that are left in the country).

Our economic crisis: the recession/depression, massive unemployment, staggering federal debt, record bankruptcies (individuals, corporations and States), runaway inflation, crashing financial institutions and the considerably devaluated dollar and housing markets are a thing of the past. Our glorious leader has declared this to be so and will save the citizens of the new U.S. from themselves, the evil capitalists and the disastrous Bush policies that created the global economic collapse, terrorism, war, profiteering, a third-world healthcare system, and unilaterally caused the failures of Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, (fill-in the blanks…). 

Now to “What we don’t need”:

1. We no longer need a Department of Homeland Security – DHS’ charter was:

a.)    Combat terrorism - which no longer exists,

b.)   To protect our borders - we are now “open borders” to any and all future citizens and

c.)    To prevent the illegal importation and smuggling of harmful materials - everyone loves us now so even the concept that someone would intentionally try to harm us is absurd.     

DHS personnel is approximately 220,000 employees. These individuals can be immediately re-tasked to help administrate our exceptional single payer federal healthcare system, this should (by United Kingdom standards) be about 20% of the personnel required to effectively run this program.

2. We no longer need a military; our Department of Defense existed to combat “cold war” mentalities that we projected around the world. Again everyone loves us now, and we no longer need to expand our fascist, capitalist, military/industrial complex mentality throughout the peace-loving world. The approximate 3,000,000 military personnel can be re-tasked to a new federal domestic law enforcement “army” to combat the 2 dozen or so evil, racist, kitten-hating conservatives that are left in the country. Our military systems, weapons, air, sea and land fleets and all now extemporaneous military equipment (including nukes) can be made available in a new Cash for Clunkers Program. We will pay any nation or organization (outside of the US) to take our now unnecessary equipment if they agree to sign a 1000+ page legally binding document created by Congressman Waxman, George Soros, the Apollo Group and ACORN, that specifies the equipment will be immediately rendered unusable, scrapped and designated only for peaceful and green initiatives.  

If we take these actions IMMEDIATELY, we can save the taxpayers (by our glorious leader’s new math) approximately 2.8 trillion dollars, which coincidentally, is exactly what our new projected federal debt is. Do not be alarmed, those privileged few who are still employed in the new U.S. of A. will be working for our government – either directly or through our peaceful, incorruptible union bosses.

Now isn’t everyone happy!